I Can’t Tell If You Are a Boy or a Girl

Identity Theft and Second-Guessing Gender

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One of the most disturbing things I’ve done is to call someone by the wrong gender. It could be someone on the phone or someone I see out in public.

I have even made the mistake with children.

I always feel bad when it happens. I want to compare it to talking to a woman about being pregnant when she’s not. That’s always a bad thing.

And so is calling someone the wrong gender. Misgendering is just bad for everyone, all the time.

And, I should say, this has happened to me too. On the phone, some people can’t tell I am a man. It happens when I order food by phone. And it happens when I speak to customer service agents on the phone.

People often think I sound like a woman. And it doesn’t help that my first name is Sam.

It’s awkward for the both of us when I must correct them.

I had one work associate who met me in-person and had assumed by phone that I was a thin gay white male. When in fact, except for the gay part, I am the opposite.

You also can’t tell someone’s race or sexual orientation on the phone, or in-person, with absolute certainty.

And it’s the same with gender. It only takes one time of messing it up to make you never want to do it again.

But still, I make the mistake. I have to regularly unlearn the bad habit of assuming someone’s gender.

I would usually comfort myself by saying how I couldn’t tell if they were a man or a woman.

Or, if someone else was with me when I made the mistake, I’d usually say to them later how I couldn’t tell.

Which at first seems like a simple statement by itself. I am sort of saying hey — I made an honest mistake. I wasn’t trying to be hurtful.

But if we think about it deeper, there are issues with that statement.

First, that statement puts blame on the person to prove their gender.

Even though we can try to say the misunderstanding was on our part, we still blame the other person.

“I couldn’t tell,” says gender must be presented in a way that makes sense to me.

“I couldn’t tell,” says you didn’t give me enough cues and clues to know better.

It says, “that person isn’t conforming to my standards and understanding of gender.”

Basically, it says, “you don’t make sense to me, and normally this doesn’t happen, so it’s your fault.”

Second, the statement assumes there are only two gender categories and a person must fall into one or the other.

Sometimes my mind will ask — is that a boy or a girl? Or, is that a man or a woman? The question can pop-up so quickly in my mind that I don’t even realize it’s happening.

And, if I am my best self, I use gender-neutral terms.

But really, I would like to get away from those questions altogether.

Because the truth is, I can’t tell. The truth is I don’t have all the information to make that call.

In this instance, second-guessing myself, and what I think to be true, is a good thing.

I’m not saying I don’t have eyes and ears, but rather it’s not my place to say.

It’s not my place to classify a person.

It’s not my place to assume and apply labels.

It’s not my right to utter and assign gender because — I can’t tell.

It is my responsibility to accept and not to assume.

And, to accept something, it must be offered. We should let people offer to us how they identify. Or, in some cases, if appropriate, we should ask.

Otherwise, we steal and falsify people’s identities.

When we misgender someone we call them a thief and say their identity doesn’t belong to them.

But really, we are the identity thieves.

When we steal gender identities from people, we don’t give them credit.

And, we ruin our own credit.

This type of identity theft isn’t about money, but there is a very real price people pay.

And, yes, I must tell you — all of that is a crime against humanity.

I don’t want to be a repeat offender.

In this case, people don’t want us to steal their identities or give them one they didn’t ask us to give.

So, if I believe I am not to interpret how someone identifies, then I did have it right the first time.

I was saying the right words with the wrong meaning.

“I couldn’t tell,” really means I shouldn’t say.

“I couldn’t tell,” applies to me and how it is not my place to say.

So, from now on, I won’t tell.

Because, quite honestly, I can’t.

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