My gay pride doesn’t make me ashamed of my straight side
It may take time to know and show
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Some LGBT people feel and live their identities from a young age.
That was not me, I am not one of them.
My first crush was a girl in my kindergarten class named Tracey. I had big eyes for her. I got jealous if she showed others attention and she always showed others attention. I remember kisses on the cheek and hugs from Tracey.
By third grade, I had a new interest and her name was Alyssa. We had our first kiss in the laundry room of my babysitter’s apartment complex.
The true story is, Alyssa kissed me first, and she left an impression. After our first kiss, my lips swelled up from their first contact exposure.
Alyssa was also my first date, and we went to see the movie Back to the Future with our parents.
By fifth grade, I had a smile for a girl named Tonia. I hopped to school with hope to get a Valentine’s Day card from Tonia. I put a picture of her in a small box and I slept next to that box for many nights.
But Tonia never liked me.
She put someone else’s name on the books she covered with paper bags. I saw her name + his name with hearts and flowers all around. I thought he was another guy in our school.
So I asked her, “Who’s James Bond?”
I don’t remember what Tonia said to my honest question. She probably laughed.
By seventh grade, I had more crushes, and I went to school dances. The ‘90s had hundreds of love songs I loved. I begged DJs to play my love song dedications to girls.
For my every crush, I had a chorus from a song. But most girls didn’t sing the refrain with me.
Then in eighth grade, a ninth-grade girl stared me down, her name was Anika. She passed some notes and soon we were in a relationship.
But as soon as it started, it ended and then it started again. We fought a lot, and she kicked me out of her locker several times. My school books had dents and nicks from being thrown down the hallway. Anika and I were always in the principal’s office.
But we also went to prom twice.
Everyone in the school thought we were meant to be forever. Anika and I had a few chats about marriage and kids. We didn’t know we would end.
In my twenties, I met Farrah at a church. Farrah and I went on dates and spent time at her apartment and my apartment.
During one visit at my place, Farrah started to rub cocoa butter on my head.
Then she said, “We probably shouldn’t do this.”
And I was like, “Why?”
I felt no sexual tension or temptation.
Farrah and I broke up, I think she broke up with me.
Not long after my relationship with Farrah ended, I met a guy, and I came out as gay.
Today, as a gay man, half my life was a straight life. My straight life doesn’t mean I missed out on life. I took my journey, and I came out when the time was right.
My straight crushes and relationships were short-lived, shallow, and small-time. But I can recount them and they count.
Those were my early experiences with attraction, affection, and rejection.
So, I’m not ashamed of my straight crushes and my early romances. Why should I be? I was finding my way.
You could say, my becoming gay was an acquired taste. My sexual orientation as a gay man was like a flower slow to open.
For me, it’s the combination of physical and emotional attraction that makes me gay. And, it took time for both to develop.
These days it seems like teenagers know and show earlier with every year.
But for some of us, it takes time to become aware of our sexual orientation or preferences.
And, that’s okay too.
Some may say society socialized me that way. They argue there wasn’t an openness to being gay so I was closed.
But, even in the most affirming society, people may still grow into their identities at their own pace.
Our sexual identities and even our orientations aren’t absolute.
In fact, a recent study of straight men found none of them to be 100% straight. We probably wouldn’t say society socialized those straight men to be a little gay, right?
And by extension, all gay people aren’t 100% gay.
With our sexual orientations, there are shades of ‘mostly,’ ‘sometimes,’ and ‘-ish.’ And circumstances and people can pull us in a variety of ways.
So, I’m proud of my evolution from straight to gay.
That’s not to say I take these photos out all the time. But I can smile at my old photos without saying, “silly me.”
Now, when I look at my old photos, the girl in the photo doesn’t shock me. It’s the hair in the photo that shocks me! I always thought I’d have hair.
But, we don’t always know what’s inside of us. And we don’t always know how or when from the inside out we’ll change.
I’m proud of where I arrived, but I’m not ashamed of where I’ve been. Who knows, I might still be on my way someplace with my sexual identity.
But I’m here now. I’m queer now. It doesn’t matter how now.
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